As my parents and teacher will tell you, I am a slow worker. I hate doing homework. Therefore my teacher asked me to pick a very interesting topic for this school project. She is hoping that I will be interested enough to finish it before it is time for me to graduate from grade 12. I am currently in grade 2.
This school project is dedicated to all of the students who are slow workers like me.
If you attend every Science class in school - and manage to stay awake - then I am sure that you will eventually attend a lesson about the flowers and the bees. If you go to the store and look at the magazine racks you will find lots of information about the love affairs of celebrities. If you watch the nature channels on television you can learn about the courtship rituals of animals. If you read the newspaper comic strips you can occasionally find some information about the love relationships of cartoon characters. If you go to a card shop just before Valentine's Day you can read how teenagers, adults and even senior citizens can express their love in many different ways. But no where else in the whole wide world, other than right here, can you find information about babies being in love.
Here is a picture of me standing surrounded by children. The elder sitting down is the children's chaperone. Chaperones are always strict, older, matronly women. The job of the chaperone is to closely supervise young people and try to prevent them from falling in love. If young people do fall in love then it becomes the job of the chaperone to stay very near the young couple and to closely watch them at all times of the day and night. It is the chaperone's responsibility to prevent young couples from holding hands, kissing, hugging, whispering, giggling or doing anything naughty.
When I interviewed this chaperone for my school project she told me that she always supervises young couples until they become mature, responsible, independently wealthy adults. Only then will she let them get married. Only after marriage will she finally leave them alone to enjoy some privacy together.
When I asked, she told me that all couples are too young and poor to get married. She was of the opinion that all couples should have a chaperone until they are at least 90 years of age! That way she will always have a job of being their chaperone.
While I was distracting the chaperone by interviewing her a young couple was able to escape from her close supervision. My uncle secretly took photographs of the babes in love as I worked hard at thinking up questions to distract the chaperone.
Here is a picture of his royal highness, a dashingly attractive young prince, gently reaching his arm around the shoulders of the beautiful young princess. They are so cute! As you can see the babies are clearly in love as they sit at the end of a dock on the river bank.
Here is a picture of the royal lovers after they have just had an argument. How sad it is when love falters and a couple find themselves in a domestic quarrel. No longer can they look each other in the eye. They will each have to deal with their own thoughts and emotions first before they can start thinking again about each other.
In this picture the young prince is saying "I am sorry." Clearly he still loves her very much and wants to make amends. Meanwhile the beautiful princess is still looking away and is hesitant about accepting his apology and love. Clearly she is torn between her love for him and her sense of personal pride and dignity. She thinks he should have romantically asked permission to hold her hand, rather than being so bold as to try to put his arm around her shoulder.
Frustrated, the young suitor starts doing some exercises to relieve his pent up stress and emotions as he waits for her mood to mellow. Little does he realize that no girl can resist a boy who is able to do a pushup. It just makes him look so strong and masculine as his muscles bulge. He pushes himself up with a mighty heave as her eyes are all over his body. How sexy she thinks he is. I want him! I love him!
Too late! Another chaperone arrives and takes the lovers into custody. What a sad way to break up what was developing into such a beautiful romance between two babes.
It is no wonder that you never read, hear or see anything in our cultural media about babies in love. With all of these chaperones around the babies never get a chance to start a romance.
My grade 12 graduation is tomorrow at 5 p.m.. You are invited to attend provided you are not a teacher or my parents.
I intend to hand this school project in tomorrow at 4:55 p.m.. All of my classmates will be there handing in their school projects at the same time. That should fluster him. He will not have time to mark any of them before we all graduate.
How I fear having him cover my school project with lots of red ink as he highlights all of my spelling and grammar mistakes. Worst, he always questions the sequence and logic of my ideas that I have so carefully crafted and expressed on paper. How insulting! How rude that any teacher could do that to a student. Does he not respect our poetic license to communicate our ideas as we deem best? Teachers are so snobbish in their academic intolerance for anything new, or different, or not in the dictionary.
Did I say "him". My grade two teacher, a "she", gave up and retired years ago at the tender age of 26. We burnt her out. Her hair turned grey and then fell out. Her hands began to tremble. Then her face began to twitch. Finally her whole body lost its coordination and sense of balance.
When my class first met my grade two teacher she stood tall, straight and proud. Now she is a hunchback trembling on her cane. Her voice has changed as well. At first she spoke very formal, proper English in a soft feminine voice. Then after a while - I think it was about half an hour later - she began yelling and screaming at us until she lost her voice due to laryngitis. We had lots of fun when she had laryngitis. Whenever we did anything bad we could see her jumping up and down, stamping her feet, waving her arms and turning bright red just like my kid brother during one of his temper tantrums. But we would not hear a thing. Eventually her voice returned, but by then she was babbling like the village idiot and crying a lot. The white coats came and took her away.
Ever since grade two the teachers have been giving my class the same assignment every year. And they have been giving us a "social pass" every year whether we hand in the assignment or not. I guess that by June of each year, after almost 200 days in their classroom, teachers just do not feel that we are as cute and cuddly as we once were. At least not enough for them to want us back in their classroom again next year.
So now I am in grade 12 and all I have to do is hand in this assignment to graduate. The teacher did not say anything about having to hand it in on time to allow him to mark it. So my classmates and I will all hand our school projects in at 4:55 p.m. tomorrow afternoon just as the graduating ceremony is about to commence. Hope to see you there.
The End
Note: Chris Canuck is the name of a fictional student that the author invented and often used in class when teaching computer courses. Chris Canuck is not the real name of any of the children appearing in the above photographs.
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